Rich's Journal Archives

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Part One: First Pregnancy

Wed 5/1/96
OB/Gyn appointment last night: all is well. Maternal serum levels: normal. Getting to the doctor's office was a nightmare ride . . . missed the off ramp from 676, trapped on 95 N . . . trying to calm Laura's frustration as I cut off angry truckers who gestured impolitely. I calmly informed them that "I've got a sick lady in here and I've got to get her to a doctor!" But I'm learning rationality: we pulled over to use a phone and the office said it was okay to be an hour late. My poor Laura is so exhausted, we went for a blood test this morning to check for anemia.
Work is unbearable . . . too many projects at once and I still haven't unpacked since they crammed my little department into one little room. I'd love to find another work situation, one with comparable benefits. I mean, we' re having a baby already! This is week 19. Fifth month coming up. Laura's belly is large . . . she looks great! I wish her energy would return.

Wed 5/22/96
Just worked 21 hours straight through again. Ah, I don't want to talk about it.

Thurs 5/30/96
Yes I'm nervous. At the OB/Gyn on Tuesday evening, the baby's heartbeat was not audible immediately. They found it after a brief search. Next day, on our way to work, Laura slipped on the escalator at the train station and cut her shins. Twenty minutes later in the rain, I held the umbrella while she vomited on the sidewalk as the masters of the universe hurried by, late for work.
Laura's fine now. I've gotta sit down.

7/11/96
Dave's birthday. Deb threw a surprise for him last weekend. Very nice. Laura didn't come up with me. Too much travel . . . too many leg cramps. She had her second glucose tolerance test today. Waiting for results.

Wed 7/24/96
Laura has been so profoundly exhausted, she's hoping to go out early on disability. A note from the doctor got her the rest of this week off. Tonight: Childbirth Ed class.
Dream last night: a fiftyish banker friend, invented for the dream, entrusts me to deliver a briefcase filled with something illegal. On my way, I stop at a restaurant and hide the briefcase in the wall behind the table at which I sit. When I leave, I forget the briefcase, then return to find three official types sitting where I had been. They've found the briefcase. I explain that I don't know the person who gave it to me, nor the person who was to be the recipient. We joke and I ask some industry-related questions only agents such as these would understand, to show my genuine interest and to appeal to their sense of brotherhood. Uncertain of my fate, I awake.

Fri 7/26/96
Yesterday was officially Laura's last day at work. Now we're trying to figure out the salary/benefits particulars. Rough financial times ahead . . . .

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Part Two: Hospital

Tues 8/20/96
I went home to take a shower when my pager went off. Laura's mom said the doctors wanted to perform a placental biopsy as soon as possible. So I ran back to the train and arrived back at the hospital minutes before they were ready to wheel Laura to another room for the procedure. She asked that I and Lisa stay with her. We held her hands as this most painful procedure began. To keep her mind off the pain, Laura sang a Violent Femmes song, "Please please please do not go" over and over. All we could do was hold onto her and sing with her.

Sat 8/24/96
Our daughter was born on Friday, August 23, 1996. Emily Marie Renner was delivered by cesarean section at 11:09 am, at 34 weeks. Her mother now awaits brain surgery for the removal of a meningioma. Emily has Apert Syndrome and several life-threatening abnormalities. Doctors do not expect her to survive for very long. Our wish was that Laura might hold her. This morning at noon, Laura was wheeled to neonatal intensive care to hold our baby daughter.

9/10/96
Two days after Emily died, we returned home from the hospital. Laura's parents drove us. As we helped her from the van, Laura burst into tears. She was home after so much.
Family and friends have kept us going, helping with cooking, cleaning. Thank God for them.
Today, another MRI and a visit to Dr. Buchheit. He was very honest with us. He can't promise that Laura will regain the functions she's lost. He'll do his best, he promises. Surgery is scheduled for Friday the 13th.

9/11/96
Shaving of the site is a major issue. Laura needs to know where they'll shave, how much hair she'll lose. They tell us that the woman who shaves surgery sites does wonders . . . she's an artiste. Laura was hoping for a makeover - new hairdo and contact lenses.

Fri 9/13/96
Awoke at 4:30 am to be at hospital by 6 am. After prepping her, they discovered that her C-section incision had become infected, so sent us home. I'm relieved, but Laura was psyched to get this thing over with. I'm to keep the incision open, applying a wet-to-dry bandage literally into the wound. I mean I'm stuffing it in there! Laura doesn't feel any pain, and actually enjoys my 'fiddling around down there.'

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Part Three: Recovery

Wed 10/9/96
One week after Laura's surgery: sub-total excision of a large posterior fossa meningioma. Most of her symptoms have vanished. Most noticeable is her beautiful smile . . . perfectly symmetrical, bright, very sweet. Right side is still weak but probably will strengthen and return. She was able to print her name yesterday. Walking is difficult without assistance, balance is still a bit off. This too should return to normal. Left ear has been blocked, but seems to be draining today. Yesterday was the first day she's been out of bed . . . the ventriculostomy was remonved Monday. Nighttime is scary and confusing for her . . . she forgets what has happened, and a few nights ago needed me to remind her who she is. Last night she refused sleep-aid medication, so confusion was not as bad. Words are still sometimes hard to find. This too will take time to return to normal. Her progress is very good, very encouraging. We hope they will have good news regarding next stage: radiation therapy after rehab.

Sun 10/13/96
Yesterday Dave and Deb were married. I was happy to attend as brother Dave's best man. They're off to Hawaii tomorrow.
Today is Day Three of Laura's homecoming. She still tires very easily: up half an hour, sleep half an hour, then she awakens with that beautiful smile. No leg tremors today, but she had a sudden chill and anxiety attack around 6 pm as we finished dinner. The kitchen door was open and cool air may have gotten to her. She 'get's scared' suddenly each evening. These episodes seem to be decreasing. It's 8 pm and she's been asleep for about half an hour. I'll wake her up now so I can see that smile again!

Mon 10/14/96
Trip to doctor for checkup. Stopped off for ice cream cones. Laura is doing wonderfully. Since PT and OT didn't start today as we thought, we'll do our own: ranging and drawing.
Yesterday Alan told us that Kris is 17 weeks pregnant. Of course I'm happy for them, but their kids were supposed to play with our kids. I'm saddened by the blows life has dealt us. Laura's wonderful spirit brings me back and keeps me going. With her shorn hair, her face and eyes are bright and lovely. Inspired by her strength and her bright eyes, our friend Jody said yesterday, "Laura, I could look at you forever!"

Wed 10/16/96
Last night was emotionally draining. Laura suddenly realized that her illness may mean she could never have another baby. So much sobbing. At 11:30 pm, she called her sister Lisa for support.
She had trouble sleeping last night, so stayed in bed until 10 am. Fewer naps during the day. And today she made dinner! Chicken cacatore. After dinner, she felt great all evening. Movement improved even more throughout the day. We had fun sitting in the park. We both needed some sun.

Thurs 10/17/96
Woke up overnight when the cat started jumping around, playing. Then woke up again when the cat threw up on Laura's sketch pad (everybody's a critic). Laura sneezed once overnight, but slept well.
Puffy circles under her eyes are darker. May be allergies. We moved our follow-up with Dr. Buchheit to tomorrow. And because her ear seems blocked, we'll see an ENT. Left side of her head hurts, so we're not stepping down Decadron yet. Still 2 mg twice a day.

Fri 10/18/96
Her head hurt when she awoke at 8 am.. Circles under her eyes are clearly puffier. Still hard for her to describe sensation. Sounds like sinus headache in addition to ear problem: blocked left ear, some pressure, throbbing pain left side of head, pressure behind eyes, congestion in sinuses. She took a hot shower, which seemed to help.
Buchheit recommends another surgery to remove more or the remainder of the tumor. May or may not need radiation after that. Need to set up another MRI to confirm.
Laura's cold is full-blown as of 1 pm today.

Sun 10/20/96
Day Three of Laura's cold. It's moving down, her voice is husky. She says she hasn't been sleeping well. We took a walk down the street at lunchtime with my family. She had one nap in the morning, one after lunch, one in the evening. Then to bed at 8 pm. She'd been having intense anxiety feelings since around 6 pm, continued through the evening. Too much stimuli? Or maybe result of stepping down Decadron? In bed, we watched the Yankees getting crushed by the Braves. At 9:15 pm, she needed to move around, so we camped out on the floor of the nursery and talked for a bit. At 10:30 pm, we danced to our favorite Etta James cassette. Back to bed at 11 pm.

Mon 10/21/96
While our wonderful Home Health Aide, Monica, was here this morning, Laura and I started planning the memorial service for Emily Marie.

Sun 10/27/96
Laura has been taking fewer naps, but she's still on anticonvulsants which cause drowsiness, affect her balance, and add a nasal tone to her voice. The past few days feel like a step back. Drowsiness, balance, difficulty remembering and concentrating, sometimes her smile is less symmetrical. But her strength on the right side is good, almost even with the left.
On Wednesday, she had her first outing: lunch at a diner with her parents. Next day, her second outing: she and I went on a shopping spree at the mall. Friday morning, we visited her friends at Magee. They had quite a reception for her.
The night fears are generally decreasing. Worst was this week: we spent the night in the nursery. She finds comfort there.

Wed 11/20/96
Laura started a new painting on Monday: her memory of Emily Marie. It is beautiful. Laura has retained her skill. Her talent burns so brightly.
I dreamed Dr. Buchheit told us that the second surgery was not so successful. I've been down since. But Laura's progress is so amazing, it's difficult and painful to imagine that the next surgery will bring other than excellent results.

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Part Four: Recovery/Second Surgery

1/24/97
It broke my heart to tell Laura when she awoke from the second surgery that they accomplished very little. She had been optimistic. However, she is so healthy that she quickly bounced back as if nothing happened. We now await radiation, then vacation.

2/9/97
Upsetting week followed Laura's birthday: leg tremors have returned in the evenings, preventing full night sleep. I remember after the first surgery, as they wheeled her past me, her legs were twitching and thrashing. I asked the Chief Resident, "Is that going to stop? She'll kill me if she wakes up with THAT!" I'm worried again. I hope the radiation stops this thing in its tracks. We need a break.

3/5/97
Just when I think twenty-four hours may go by without a leg tremor episode, on they come. My poor Laura. I can do nothing to alleviate the misery.

3/6/97
Laura is readying herself to return to her profession. She's volunteering at a private rehab office. Very good day for her. Last night, no leg tremors, but she couldn't fall asleep until 2 am, which upset her greatly. As long as she keeps busy during the day, her spirits remain high.

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Part Five: Radiation

3/12/97
I'm sitting in the waiting area as Laura undergoes what she calls 'space-age torture.' Yesterday: part one of something they call an octreoscan. Laura describes the procedure: 'my head feels like it is taped to a slab of asphalt while a nuclear camera spins around me.' Today: the frame fitting, a CT scan, an MRI, then part two of the octreoscan.

3/19/97
Since we found the Restless Leg Syndrome website last week, Laura has followed the suggestion of one sufferer: Evening Primrose Oil capsules. She's been taking them and, believe it or not, the leg tremors seem to have diminished. However, because she senses their potential onslaught, and because she's been depressed about not contributing to our bank account, she's still having trouble sleeping.

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3/20/97
Laura's radiation starts next Tuesday. I'll be with her the first day, then her parents plan to here the next day. I'm concerned about side effects. I'd planned to return to work soon after treatments start, but maybe I can push the documentary I'm working on. Alan is my editor, but he's on the verge of fatherhood, so if I lose him, it'll be tough to finish by deadline. It's all very stressful.
Laura dreamed we had a tiny baby, so small she'd lost track and searched the house. The baby was as big as a fingernail. Finally, she found in a crib at her sister Karen's house. When Laura awoke, she said to me, "I want a little baby . . ."

5/9/97
Yesterday was Laura's final radiation treatment. Everyday we rode the train together, I to work, she to the Linac. Her humor and spirits remain high. We met at lunchtime and drove to South Philly to purchase fabric. She plans to make a formal gown for the cruise!

Part Six: Life Continues

6/3/97
Bermuda . . . pink sand, aquamarine water, blue skies, candy houses with vanilla icing. 70 degrees and partly cloudy. Here I could live. But we've returned home and I'm back at work where memories of paradise fizzle as psuedo-emergencies emerge. I need a vacation again.

6/29/97
Laura started working part time at the frame shop today. She'll do two days a week, building her endurance. Yesterday I arrived home to find her crying into the shrimp she was preparing for dinner. An insurance rep had upset her by referring to the fact that Laura had had brain damage. Laura has not suffered from brain damage! And she's very sensitive to the implication. I called the woman and ordered her to apologize to Laura, which she did.

7/31/97
Laura says she's been having weird dreams every night. Sometimes they're about Emily. A happy one: Laura is holding Emily, who, although she's passed away, looks up at Laura and smiles. Laura awoke with a sense of having been consoled. A sad one: Emily is still in the hospital, and we just now realize it. Laura awoke feeling anxious, as if we'd abandoned and forgotten Emily.

8/7/97
Yesterday Laura endured her sixteenth MRI. I was there, as always, to hold her feet and watch her eyes in the little mirror. I count down the minutes for her. Today we met for lunch, then I went with her to Patient Registration on her way to follow-up octreoscan part one. I went back to work. I'm anxious because I called home to see how it went, but she wasn't there.

8/8/97
Of course, my fear is frequent, common, often, and thankfully, unfounded. She was sleeping safely upstairs when I called and didn't hear the phone ringing.

8/24/97
Taking a break from reading Contact while Laura and I sit on the bank of the Cooper River. She's painting the scene, but is hampered by minor crankiness and the irritation caused by the tiny insect that was, until I squished it, feasting on her foot. The weather has been perfect. Hard to believe we visited Hell only a year ago. Seems so foreign and far off now. I've rested all weekend and I feel like I'd better switch into accomplishment mode soon. Like Sagan's five Contact travellers, we've passed through the tunnel of a black hole to this lovely simulation of paradise. The water is lapping gently, the breeze carries laughter and promise and buzz. Shifting shadows of leaves above play on the page. Passersby appreciate and distract my artist wife.

9/15/97
Dreamed that as I lay asleep in bed, Laura busied about my nasal area. I was aware that she was being mischevious. Suddenly she gasped and covered her eyes. 'What?" I shouted. Something on or near my nose had made her cry out. I ran to the bathroom mirror and discovered that she had attached a semi-permanent fake nose to my real nose. She was laughing hysterically and I awoke.

9/30/97
After an enjoyable weekend celebration for Mom's birthday, during which Laura started the portrait of the Renner patriarch, my grandfather, we made our way north to Niagara Falls. Hot tub and fireplace in our hotel room, great dinner at the high Skylon Restaurant on a very windy evening. Close up view of the Falls at night: millions of gallons of minty mouthwash transformed into a Christmas lights show. The roar, so intimidating. Imagine finding yourself in a canoe and hearing that sound all around and seeing that spray up ahead.

10/8/97
Today Laura has an interview for a part time position at a rehab facility. She's quite excited. Last night we shopped for an appropriate outfit. Saturday was the opening reception at Hopkins House Gallery, where she had a painting. We'd invited my family and our new friend Juliet to attend. I noticed that at times Laura's smile was not symmetrical, I thought I detected a slight slur in her speech, and left eye droop. I asked her about it. She denies a problem, says she feels fine and strong. My judgement may be impaired. The ordeal has left a shock upon me. I hope what I'd detected were merely the effects of fatigue. She is strong and agile, exercising, running regularly. And excited about this job opportunity. So am I.

11/1/97
An account of our romantic Halloween follows: After candy-chumming the neighborhood sharks until the chocolate till ran dry, Laura turned off the porch light and awaited my arrival from work, upon which time she presented me with one of my anniversary gifts . . . a pressed tux shirt, stud and cuff link set. We dressed and drove to Braddock's Tavern, where we celebrated our wedding reception ten years earlier. At our request, we were seated near the fireplace. Flowers from me had been placed on our table. When champagne arrived I presented the diamond ring to Laura. Beaming and brushing away tears, she settled back and ordered the veal. An anniversary cake capped off our wonderful dinner.

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11/21/97
I noticed a sort of thrumping feeling in my chest late yesterday and assumed the worst. ER was on tv and my hypochondria has returned. Now that Laura's health is good, I have time to focus on my sorry state.

12/24/97
Laura has been getting headaches over the past few weeks. We attributed them to stress early on, since they seemed work-related and with holiday pressure building. Today she feels fine. We reassessed our priorities: if she needs to cut back her work schedule, that's okay.

12/29/97
After Christmas at the Rutherford homestead, we left Friday and headed straight for the doctor's office to combat Laura's headaches. So now she's taking Allegra and an antibiotic. Seems the headaches were just allergies or a sinus infection. They've stopped and Laura feels fine.

1/1/98
Rough holidays. Two nights ago Laura suffered the effects of a stomach virus. From 11 pm to 6 am, she vomited every hour on the hour. She was determined to be well in time for the New Year celebration, and, at 11:30 pm New Year's Eve, sampled chips and dip as we toasted with sparkling cider. Cheers.

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Sat 1/10/98
Calm after the holidays. Laura's health is very good. We've both been exercising. I anticipate job options as the bank merger toys with our future.
Laura's working today. Now that she works every other weekend, I may as well use the time to update the website. Weekend work is tough for her...it's just her and the patients, no colleagues to talk to. But it's one steady source of income. She's exploring other contract jobs for the week, and has been very productive in her studio. Portrait of the Renner patriarch, my grandfather, is almost completed. It's her best portrait so far!

Wed 1/28/98
Difficult week. We both had the flu since last Friday, then went back to work too soon yesterday. I'd been awake coughing since 3 am. Laura started a new part-time job. Exhausted, we went to bed after the State of the Union Address. Laura woke me around 11 pm. She was weeping terribly. She admitted that she was having major doubts about her career. Too many hospitals reminded her too strongly of her days as a patient. I told her I'd been amazed all this time that she'd been so strong! With years of student loan payments ahead of her, the thought of switching careers sent her into this crisis. Later, she calmed down and made some plans, which include her current profession, possibly in pediatrics. I know she'll come up with a solution. There are plenty of alternatives. Tonight she's having dinner with a group of her OT friends to discuss. Her birthday is Saturday, and we're looking forward to lunch at Le Bec Fin on Friday!

Sun 3/1/98
We had good news two weeks ago: after two days of routine tests, which, for Laura, are draining and extremely uncomfortable, we see that the tumor is responding as we'd hoped. The octreoscan is down fifteen percent, and the MRI scans show the tumor in the process of breaking up. Prior to the tests, I'd been nervous and hypercritical of what I'd perceived to be tumor symptoms: Laura had been experiencing headaches, she seemed very tired, I even thought I noticed that the symmetry of her smile had faded. Well, when Dr. Andrews looked at her smile he said, smiling, "It's fine!" And it is. The headaches seemed to be caused by allergies or stress, probably the latter, a response to my pessimistic worrying. After the tests, my mood has lightened greatly. Laura is feeling very well. She has been training in pediatric OT with friend and colleague Martina. And working in the studio . . . near completion of my grandfather's portrait, starting one of her father. Baby portrait commissions are also keeping her busy.
We're happy to see evidence of Spring as our bulbs begin to sprout! Hungry squirrels were thwarted by the crushed oyster shell mixture we sprinkled over the bulbs in October. Ah, the miracles of Spring!

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Part Seven: Second Pregnancy

Mon 7/20/98
Today we are eighteen weeks pregnant! Laura feels great! Amnio test results are normal. We had a nerve-wracking torture session a few weeks ago when Kell antibodies showed up in Laura's blood, which might've meant risky procedures, including in-utero blood transfusions. Long story, wait for the book. The point is, turns out that everything is okay!

Fri 11/13/98
Very disturbing visit to OB today. Our roller coaster ride dipped again when we were told that Laura has polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid). Often the cause of this condition is unknown, and there is nothing to worry about. Sometimes, it's a symptom of anything from gestational diabetes (which Laura had last pregnancy, but she tested negative this time, which is unusual) to a serious problem with the baby. We're hoping that it's nothing, or even that Laura has gestational diabetes again.

Wed 12/16/98
Here we are, lying around the house, waiting for LABOR PAIN to begin. We had a false alarm two nights ago, and spent two hours watching the monitor as the contractions dwindled and stopped. We're close but not there yet. At our routine OB visit yesterday, AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index) was stable. We really think the excess fluid was a symptom of gestational diabetes. Laura has been terribly uncomfortable...we rented a recliner so that she could find a comfortable sleeping position. That worked like a charm, and now she suffers from extreme itching. She's tried everything: benadryl, caladryl, aveeno, wheat germ...only cold showers offer some relief. But she's a trooper, and still manages a smile (when I ask for one).

Click here for Part Eight: Sara

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